Ask Stef
Ask Stef
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
Best tips of all time!
This issue of Like the Wind examines, celebrates and questions what it means to be a female runner in 2024. But it isn’t all that long ago that female runners themselves were a rare breed, and media pigeonholed women into a narrow range of stereotypes, with TV shows or pages in newspapers dedicated to what “women’s interests” were perceived to be. We couldn’t help wondering what one of those “classic” women’s pages, the agony aunt column, would look like in the very modern hands of adventurer Stef Bishop…
Dear Stef, I have been thinking for some while about entering a marathon, but my husband has explained that if I take part in a long-distance race, my uterus will fall out and I will grow hair on my back. Can this be true?
Women are mysterious and uteruses have always been of interest… as far back as Ancient Greece, when the idea of the “wandering womb” was born. For thousands of years, our wombs have been labelled troublemakers, independent of the rest of our body, invading other organs, and even considered to be the cause of hysteria. During the Victorian era, wombs were thought to fall out if one was too active, an idea which somehow stuck through the mid-20th century, and one of the reasons why women did not participate much in sport. Of course, these beliefs are inconsistent when you consider that some ancient civilisations boasted active women warriors, but who am I, as a woman who did not attend medical school, to say such a thing?
Fortunately, these myths have been debunked.
Either it’s time for your husband to time-travel to the present day, or maybe you should contemplate that he may feel threatened by your athletic superiority and does not want his ego bruised. Enter that marathon and [figuratively] run your heart out!
On the rare occasion that modern science may somehow have failed us, don’t fret! Your back hair will provide protection from sports bra chafing and, if your uterus were to fall out, you could always stash it in your hydration belt!
“No mountain is too hefty a challenge to stand in the way of a woman in need of a delicious brew and nosh.”
Dear Stef, I planned to visit a delightful coffee shop a few miles from here, but there appears to be a mountain in the way. Should I call a man with a horse?
A damsel in distress?! I think not. I love a good destination adventure! No mountain is too hefty a challenge to stand in the way of a woman in need of a delicious brew and nosh. Upon reaching the summit, it will be easy going, as gravity will carry you the rest of the way to the shop. Be wary of any overexcitement distracting you from your foot placement. Remember, hospital refreshments will certainly be sub-par.
Please do call the man with a horse, though; chances are he’s lost and would be ever so grateful for the expert navigational skills of a woman.
ASK STEPH
Dear Stef, I’m just out on the trail and wanted to ask you – oh! A spider!
Tarantula? Huntsman? Brown recluse? Poisonous or not, as long as said spider has not decided to hitch a ride with you or sink its teeth into your flesh, gently proceed.
Dear Stef, is there such a thing as TOO MUCH peanut butter?
Peanut butter: the Swiss army knife of nutrition! There is never such a thing as “too much”! I prefer my peanut butter au naturel. A bit of an arm workout to blend – consider that cross-training for any mountain scrambles you may encounter – however, once mixed to optimal consistency, it’s not only a high-octane fuel, but also serves many purposes outside of sustenance. Find that you’ve forgotten anti-chafe cream? A dab of peanut butter will safeguard your epidermis. Grabbed a tree to keep yourself afloat while relieving yourself and now your hands are stickier than super glue? Massage a little peanut butter in there; your skin will be left sap-free and moisturised!
Fair warning: You may find that the local wildlife is a bit more attracted to you after peanut butter use. I welcome any and all wildlife friends to join me on my adventures. Be sure to keep them at arm’s length, so they aren’t tempted to nibble on you. They’re also better off eating actual peanuts, and close human interaction may set them up for future danger. And if that wildlife friend is more of a foe, well then… run faster.
Dear Stef, I think my foot is about to fall off. I seem to have left quite a lot of it in my sock. When I get off this trail and return to the typing pool, should I pack my sensible court shoes with newspaper?
Luckily for you, you’re currently in the middle of the best pedicure of your life. No nail technician would be able to execute such thorough callus removal than that which one sustains from a running mishap. Leave the newspaper at home. Use non-stick pads to protect that newborn skin and, if your skin is missing a few too many layers (and/or is infected), a little antibiotic cream will do the trick. I’d consider swapping out court shoes for posh sandals; you’ve worked hard for this, show those feet off!
Don’t forget to snap a photograph of your feet prior to treatment; it will save you from the need to further explain yourself to your colleagues. In fact, it sounds like it may scare off some of them. Not necessarily a bad thing…
Most importantly, don’t forget to paint whatever toenails remain. A lady should always look presentable in the workplace.
LIKE THE WIND IT’S WHY WE RUN
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Dear Stef, I’m in the middle of a multi-day race so I’m sending this by pigeon. At least, it told me it was a pigeon. I’ve been up for 48 hours straight and I was wondering, do all trees have faces? And beards?
Congratulations! You have officially entered what I call “the portal”. An Alice in Wonderland world of sorts brought on by excessive sleep deprivation. The faces and beards are only the beginning; you’ll greet animals foreign to your environment, many enthusiastic to strike up a conversation (as you’ve already had the pleasure of experiencing), UFOs disguised as boulders, and Santa Claus may even make an appearance, but unfortunately he won’t be bearing gifts. You may encounter a frightening sight or two, but fear not: you hold the power to transform that sight into something unusual and beautiful. The universe is your limit, let your mind run free!
Normally I’d tell you that you’re doing great, but that pigeon was actually a vulture. You may want to take an extended break at the next aid station before you carry on.
Stefanie Bishop is an ultra multisport athlete, speaker, and coach. She lives near NYC, yet prefers nature and wildlife, while avoiding big city bears.
Natasha Smith is a freelance photomontage illustrator from Lincoln.